Down Days.

 

Prison in Ciaphus' House

 

 

I love life. You know this about me by now, right? I also have these unexplainable down days where I am simply depressed. Sad about my life, annoyed with my uncertain future, frustrated with my present. Overwhelming longing for more God, more adventure, more travel, more relationships, more. I don’t usually get into these funks often, and no, this isn’t PMS.

It happens every so often when I start to feel my life is out of control. (When I say out of control, it actually means I have a semi-messy home, I miss my friends, & this damn cold I’ve been fighting has me blowing my nose every 20 minutes.) (Sorry for saying damn. Not really though.)

My usual remedy to get out of this slump is to clean. Something I can control. Or, to make something beautiful & good…perhaps a wonderful meal, homemade cards, or get my camera out and go outside and take some stunning pictures of nature. Yet, now it’s winter and cold, so no photography. My crafts are at my parents’ house, hmmmf. And the only food ingredients I have is to make is vegetable soup…

Ciaphus' House

 

Two years ago today, I was in Jerusalem, Israel walking the “Palm Sunday Walk” that travels the journey Christ took before his death. One of the most spiritual moments of the day was when I was in the prison pit of Ciaphus’ house, where it is believed Jesus spent his last night. When we were down there, we read Psalm 88, which is thought to be a Messianic Psalm. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment where I realized Christ went through his own “dark night of the soul,” where perhaps he felt completely abandoned and forsaken by God. It’s not our happy image of Christ, most certainly not what we want to think about our God. For the first time in my life, I felt as if Christ knew exactly what I as a human have (& still do) experience. Pain, suffering, longing, frustration, heartache, and even abandonment.

Lately I’ve been dwelling on this thought: did God experience and learn something new as Jesus? Yes, I believe in a Trinitarian God who is omnipotent, omnipresent, & omniscient. I believe Christ was fully divine and fully human. So…when God took the embodiment of humanity as Christ, did God (Trinity) learn something new…learn what it meant to be human? Learn what it meant to experience the limitations, heartaches, and forsakenness? I tend to think so.

Well that’s where I’m at today. I’m blowing my nose 4x an hour, reminiscing my favorite day in Israel, and dwelling on the humanness of Christ. But, I also keep hope. I keep hope that I am not alone. I am not forsaken. God’s faithfulness is trustworthy and I know my God to be worthy of this hope.

“You are in the Beloved…therefore infinitely dear to the Father, unspeakably precious to [the Creator]. You are never, not for one second, alone.”

-Norman Dowty

 

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3 thoughts on “Down Days.

  1. I have thought this for awhile now. In Jesus, God grew and became aware and learned existentially. I can design a jet plane and know everything that there is to know about it from a cognitive plane. It is only when I strap myself into the cockpit, however, that I truly know what it means to fly it. I think that this question may actually be more about time and how God experiences it (both in the chronos and karios), but I grow tired of questions that can’t be answered. It’s enough for me that Jesus walked through life in a way that I can truly aspire to. I miss our talks too. Let’s talk on the phone soon.
    Matt

  2. Dear Shea,
    This is something that I needed to see. Sometimes I have all these thoughts and emotions and I don’t feel like they’re important enough to state or share. And then you come in with the perfect blend of transparency and strength in your writing that is so very inspiring. I’ve had, and still have, my down days where I’m just not happy with ‘me’. And, just today, in my moments of sheer disillusionment I remembered something this adorable old lady told me a week ago, “He lives in you.” And I was reminded yet again, quite like in your quote, that I am not alone. Never alone. 🙂
    I miss you my dear friend. And I love you. You continue to inspire me. I just thought you should know.

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